But is this the only way to deal with conflicts? What if there is another way, a path that leads to de-escalation and resolution? At KeyQuest, we assist you in taking conscious actions in conflict situations. In this article, we provide insight into our approach and help you de-escalate conflicts.
The theory of conflict
How we handle conflicts largely determines the quality of our relationships and the achievement of common goals. Friedrich Glasl's theory of conflict describes how a conflict does not arise overnight, but evolves towards an untenable phase. The distinction between these phases lies in the question “do I have the conflict, or does the conflict have me?” When the conflict has you, your emotions take over, and the difference between content and the personal disappears. Parties cling to their own vision, are no longer open to a common interest, and stand in direct opposition to each other. How do you prevent this?
By recognizing the phases of a conflict, you gain valuable insights into handling conflicts. This way, you de-escalate the conflict and can work toward a solution and a stronger relationship!
The ladder consists of 3 main stages. With every transition to a new stage, a threshold is crossed, causing the conflict to harden and making it more difficult to de-escalate. Do you recognize the different stages? If not, keep reading and learn to identify where your conflict lies.
Stage 1: win-win
In the mildest stage (steps 1 to 3) of the conflict, there is slight tension. Parties engage in debates to persuade each other and score points. The higher this tension rises, the lower the empathy decreases. However, it’s not too late: the parties are willing to seek common ground and de-escalate the conflict. Glasl indicates that in this stage, parties are still willing to look for a win-win solution. In other words, a solution that benefits both parties. Stephen Covey, author of the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” has outlined six behaviors to achieve that win-win situation:
- Courage to present your ideas.
- Empathy: put yourself in the other person’s shoes!
- Listen genuinely to the other.
- Do you show real interest? Ask follow-up questions!
- Adopt a curious stance to find the best option.
- Flexibility: reevaluate your ideas and adjust them as necessary.
As mentioned in Covey’s behavioral expressions, communication is an essential part of resolving conflict. Additionally, we believe it is key to listen to each other in such a way that the other person feels safe enough to be vulnerable. And when the other does so, respond with empathy, creating tangible understanding for their pain. We often see this as a crucial turning point in conflicts.
Otto Scharmer clearly describes this distinction in listening in a wonderful communication model: “the 4 levels of listening.” It provides insight into your way of communicating – and thus also listening. Do you listen from empathy? Are you open to other people's viewpoints? Do you listen not only to what someone says but also to how they say it? In other words, listening from a helicopter view.
Do you feel that the conflict is slipping out of your hands despite your attempts? Then do not wait too long to involve a mediator. We will tell you more about this in stage 2: win-lose.
Stage 2: win-lose
When the threshold is crossed and the “win-lose stage” of a conflict is entered (steps 4 to 6), the intention of the parties shifts to a win-lose attitude. Parties want to win and are willing to harm the other. It is purely about being right and maintaining one's position. This means that empathy has greatly diminished: parties can no longer muster any understanding for each other. Naturally, it is challenging to de-escalate the conflict from this stage. But with good help, such as from a mediator, it is very possible to reach a solution and de-escalate the conflict at this stage.
De-escalating from Stage 2: Mediator
Where in Stage 1 the conflict can still be resolved easily, we recommend involving a mediator in Stage 2. The mediators at KeyQuest work according to Lencioni's pyramid. Lencioni, a renowned management consultant and author, emphasizes that trust forms the foundation of any successful team. Building a solid foundation of trust sets the tone for open communication and collaboration. This trust provides a safe space for expressing viewpoints and sharing emotions, which is essential in a conflict context.
By creating an environment where people feel heard and understood, space is created for finding common solutions and returning to win-win solutions.
Stage 3: lose-lose
When a conflict enters the “lose-lose stage,” it is nearly impossible to resolve. In this third stage (steps 7 to 9), there are essentially no winners left. There are only losers. Both parties attempt to minimize their own damage while trying to inflict more harm on the other party.
So – how do I de-escalate a conflict?
Defusing a conflict is incredibly important to maintaining a good relationship. By recognizing the phases of a conflict, encouraging open communication, creating deeper awareness, and striving for win-win situations, a path to harmonious conflict resolution emerges. It is a process that requires time and dedication, but the rewards are a stronger team. At KeyQuest, we believe that this approach is the key to transforming frightening conflicts into constructive conflicts!
Do you feel tensions in your team or with a colleague? Or do you see other colleagues struggling to cooperate? Be aware of the phase of the conflict and seek help in a timely manner if necessary.
We are always willing to take a look at this. If you need conflict coaching or mediation, let us know.
References
Covey, S. R. (1997). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. Macmillan Reference USA.
Glasl, F. (1999). Confronting Conflict: A First-aid Kit for Handling Conflict.
Lencioni, P. M. (2010). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable, 20th Anniversary Edition. John Wiley & Sons.
Scharmer, O. (2016). Theory U: Leading from the Future as It Emerges. National Geographic Books.
